Posts tagged single
Posts tagged single
In the matter of hours between our first date ending and the email asking for a second date, I have decided that Jim could be everything I think I am looking for at this juncture. Someone to take me out, spend a little money on me. Not because that truly matters to me, but because it’s an experience I’ve honestly never had.
I begin to think that this must be one of those untold transitions you do in your twenties, moving on from dating boys to dating men. I want to try all those things I haven’t had yet; the expensive dinners, fancy parties, getting laid in pricey hotel rooms by men of questionable character. I’ve had my share of economical, homemade, but still wonderfully romantic experiences. Drinking PBR and eating Chinese food by candlelight (because the power was turned off, of course) in Bushwick, sneaking candy into matinee movies in Jersey, making out in the back of crappy cars; these are all episodes I won’t forget, things that made me how I am today for better or worse. But with those times behind me, I want to sample a little bit of how people who don’t have to watch every cent in their bank accounts live. I’m well aware of how gold-diggery this sounds.
There’s also the issue of my fast unraveling will to take care of myself. I have not stepped foot in my kitchen since my break up and consciously refuse to go to the grocery store. My subconscious has translated this into a sick need for a man to swoop in and spoon feed me pudding. Maybe I’m just lazy, who knows? Maybe I’m not as independent as I think I am. Most likely, I just want to see what it feels like.
I’ve known girls, friends of friends, who’ve stumbled into situations where they are being sent e-mail confirmations for international flights and having ‘gifts’ dropped into their bank accounts. I don’t even totally grasp how the intricacies of those ‘arrangements’ work, forget that I don’t think I’m intrepid enough to pull it off. I wonder about it quit a bit though, because the girls I have heard of are not vapid, stupid, or shallow. They are working girls (no, not ‘working girls’) who were able to catch a very lucky break to ease their bank accounts. With no strings that I’ve yet heard of other than sex. Who doesn’t like sex?
It’s at this point in my train of though that I start considering sex work. Again, I have known friends of friends who have done stints as call girls. Very different than the first set of girls I described, being a call girl sounds like actual work. There is a set and standard operating procedure and you are required to deliver a product. Not to mention I’ve heard that’s practically like being an amateur therapist. As for my own sex work aspirations, they stop far short of what I would need to be successful. I would never do anal on command and, frankly, I love sex but I love good sex. Plus, I’m not always gracious when it doesn’t work out how I want. So no sex work for me.
Back to Jim, I respond and say yes I would love to meet for drinks Thursday by Grand Central. I spend a few minutes contemplating outfits and then go back to my new favorite mindless activity- compulsively clicking through quickmatch on Ok Cupid, shopping for more men.
If I get nothing else from this experience of marathon dating, I think I’ve earned an ‘A’ for enthusiasm. After being single for six days and on a dating site for four of those six days, I finally got up the vigor to message someone. Now, a word on that.
After my first kiss, nearly two thirds of my interactions with the opposite sex have been instigated by me. We can positively credit this to being brought up to believe that girls can do whatever boys can- and that’s great, there’s nothing wrong with that. I do believe that being so forward helped me a lot in my teen years. Raising girls in way that they never feel the need to sit around and wait on a guy (and in turn become silent, passive objects) is wonderful, but for me it turned into a pattern that I couldn’t escape. A horrible pattern of being very forward with a guy only to realize down the line that the only reason a relationship even happened was entirely due to my persistence and the guy’s inability to say what he wanted early on. I realize that these guys are partially to blame. The point of all of this is that I have decided that I am not doing any chasing anymore. No chasing, no planning- I want to make a few decisions as possible. Dude asks me out and asks, “Where would you like to go?” Answer: nowhere, because if you can’t pick a restaurant/bar/coffee shop in a city with a million choices, how do you ever make other decisions in life?
I was a Girl Scout from age 5 to age 12. I quit prematurely; the lure of achieving a gold award was not strong enough and being a Scout had stopped being cool years earlier. At 12, I had never kissed a boy or even had a boy express interest in me. Scouts wasn’t the only activity in my life, but I liked the sense of achievement that came with earning new badges. Completing a set of badges and getting to move up to a new sash/vest and start over filled me with a deep sense of accomplishment. When a strong desire to look cool overcame me and I quit, it didn’t take long for the incessant badge gathering to seem silly.
Between then and the present moment, I had my first kiss (age 14), first love (age 15), first sexual experience (age 18), first one night stand (age 20), and first seriously real relationship (age 22). I went through high school, college and post college life never actively looking, but falling into every type of situation I could along the way. After my college years, which were full of romantic false starts and missed connections with a few real trysts thrown in, I moved to the suburbs and became consumed in a long, fraught relationship.
During that time, I relocated to New York City. The relationship finally fell apart and I took a long look at where my life was and realized that I missed having fun. I really missed having true, unbridled, reckless, sexually provocative fun. So almost upsettingly fast, I was really, really ready to start dating. And I did not want to be timid about it. I work strange hours and cannot afford to be going out every night just for the sake of meeting men, so within the first week of my new single life I joined an online dating site. “This will just speed things along,” I thought. “It’ll expose me to people I would not normally cross paths with.” I felt the anticipation of achieving that feeling of accomplishment I used to get from earning badges. This got me thinking.
Girl Scouts did for me all the things their website says it will. It boosted my confidence, encouraged me to try new things and have new experiences. These are all things that now, as an adult, I want dating in New York to do for me. Girls Scouts also forced me to sleep outside and sell cookies, but hopefully dating won’t lead to me camping in Central Park or, uh, selling my cookies. Eventually, using the internet to date in New York will seem just as uncool as Scouting did when I was 12. Right now though, I need the adventure.